Day 9.

Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

This is kinda the same as number 2, buutttt.... in the future I would like to have a nice job, nice house, nice car... the norm. I would also like to be married, and have 2 to 4 kids. I would like to stay in the area, but if not, then I would like to move down to California where most of my family is. I hope to live and lead a happy, productive, and long life :)

Day 8.

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Well, i haven't lived much of my life yet... but so far I would say I was most satisfied about 2 years ago. I had a great job, was making decent money (at least enough to cover my bills and a little shopping each month), I lived with a great girl, and had great friends. I was pretty satisfied! Although I'm not quite as satisfied right now, i am still pretty happy, just a lot of things have fallen apart since then that I wish hadn't. A lot of close friends have changed and moved on, a lot of family has broken apart, and I don't really have a job... But I am with the best person ever, have a great apartment, and great new friends. :) I'm pretty satisfied right now, and I know life is still moving and better things are yet to come :)

Day 7.

I know I'm a few days late...

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

Aries: Today's Daily Horoscope
Your drive is epic right now, and you can bet that success is sure to follow. Make sure to keep your eyes firmly on the prize, and to check with anyone who is mission-critical to ensure their participation.

Umm... sure?

Day 6.

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Oh Geez... 30?

1. I'm terrified of the dark.
2. My eyebrow hair falls out when I'm nervous.
3. My first slow dance was when I was 16... and it was with my youth leader. haha
4. One of my goals in life is to travel to a ll 50 states... I've made it to 10 so far.
5. Some of my favorite people in the world live in california :D
6. I got bangs in 8th grade (again) cause some kid said my forehead was "big and shiny" =/
7. English was my best subject in school, I love writing.
8. I love to sing, and think I have a pretty decent voice when I try :)
9. I'm going to have a new baby brother any day now.
10. My celebrity crushes are Channing Tatum and Hayden Panettiere ;)
11. My favorite number is 14. I don't know why, i just like it.
12. I have been to Disneyland 5 times.
13. My favorite color is sage green.
14. I just met my biological dad last year.
15. I just NOW learned how to write bold words in the facebook chat... Kasie is a witness...
16. I call my best friend my sister... that way no matter how mad we get at eachother, we still have to talk :)
17. I am obsessed with the TV show FRIENDS.
18. I love driving! If my car would make it, I would drive around the US in a heartbeat.
19. I have licked a banana slug.
20. I went to Mexico on a mission trip in 2005 and it was an AMAZING experience :)
21. I have ridden the train to and from California twice, same with flying.
22. I have been to Six Flags New England and its WAY cooler than the one in Cali :P
23. I definitely do NOT eat cheese on pancakes or peanut butter on cheesburgers, unlike my freaky-ass cousin :P hahaha
24. I have 2 tattoos, and my tongue and belly button pierced.
25. I still have a TON of Disney movies on VHS. "VHS, what's that?" :)
26. I can fold my tongue in half...
27. I still remember my locker number and combination from 7th grade. bizarre?
28. I make my bed every night before I get in... rather than in the morning after I wake up :P
29. I know pretty much every lyric to any Veggietales song you throw at me :D
30. I have never broken a bone!

AGH!! That took forever, and a little team work was involved... haha

Day 5.

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

Freshman-ish year. Sophomore too.

I was sick of everything. All of my friends had gone to different schools from middle school, and the ones that I DID still have, started branching off and making new friends, and I felt like I had no one. There were kids at school who teased me for no reason. They would honk at me when I was walking home and yell random stuff out the windows. They would spread stupid rumors at school and tell the guys I liked dumb stuff. And the funniest thing- I hadn't EVER had a conversatin with these people. Knew OF them , but didn't KNOW them. I hated home, I hated school, and I didn't have anywhere else to go but church. And I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you, or cliche or whatever, but the church was my home. As depressed as I was half the time, it always cheered me up going to youth group and being with my friends there. High school was so much drama, and you have such a need to fit in because everyone is judging you, but at church it was different. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, it's hard to explain.

But anyway, I was on the edge, i wanted to end my life. I didn't think I had anything to live for because my friends didn't love me, (and at 14 that's all that matters, it seems), I was bullied, and I was ALWAYS sad. Then I met my youth leader, Audrey. Granted, I had lots of amazing leaders throughout youthgroup, but Audrey and I somehow connected. She understood me, and she loved me and that's all I needed. Audrey encouraged my writing, she helped me with my school work, she gave me somewhere to get away to. She's pretty much my hero :) Thus, my depression ended and now i am happy! Okay, so there's a lot more to what happened and what I went through, but I'm tired and don't feel like writing a novel. :)

Day 4.

Day 04 - Your views on religion.

Ugh. this is always a touchy subject.

All I'm gonna say is, I believe in God, and I love God. I used to go to church, but that didn't work out for me once they found out personal things about me. Some of the most important people in my life I have met through church, not all of them are bible thumping maniacs :) I still love my church family, and go every couple months. I don't however, believe you need to go to church to believe in God.



I do not classify myself as any specific religion, because I think all of them have little flaws and some things don't make sense. So for now, I believe, and that's all that should matter :)

Day 3.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Well, this is a tough subject... cause I can't say I've never done either...

Alcohol- if you're 21, go for it. If you're younger but at home or somewhere you know you aren't going to leave or CAN'T leave, have fun, but be safe. That's always what I've done. I am not a fan of drunk drivers what-so-ever. A lot of people say "you don't need to drink to have fun!" No, you don't. That is true. But sometimes having a drink, or two or three, is nice. It gets you a little more comfortable with your surroundings and for ME, gets me a little more comfortable to dance with my friends since I'm not a dancer, haha. I am a responsible drinker- I do not leave wherever I am at after I have had even one drink, because I don't want to chance it. I don't get so drunk that i can't remember what happened the night before, cause that is just not smart! Or safe! I think that's all I have to say about alcohol... OH! And don't go through the checkout line at work with a friend who's buying a bunch of alcohol, when they are 21 and you are NOT. You will get fired. hah.

Drugs- I'm not sure what to say here... Reasoning being I don't have much experience with them. yes, I have smoked marijuana, but I haven't done anything else and I don't really plan to. I think doing drugs is stupid and you could easily overdose or have something that is laced and it could kill you. It is not LIKELY, but it could happen, and I don't wanna take that chance. I guess I'm not a big risk taker! haha. I don't really know what else to say... I don't have any experience with drugs, so how can I give an opinion? :)

Day 2.

Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

In ten years I would like to be... married.

I would like to have at LEAST 2 children.

I would like to own a decent size house.

I would like to either have a nice job or be a stay at home mom. Preferrably the second one.

I would like to not have to worry about money.

Day 1.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I have been with Erica almost 2 years now, on the 18th, and I've loved every minute of it. Sure, we have our disagreements and arguments but what couple hasn't? I love her with my whole heart.

A lot of people disagree with the "homosexual lifestyle" but you know what? This wasn't a choice. If I could "choose" to be straight or gay, which do you think I would choose? I mean, really. I don't WANT a more difficult life! I am sooo incredibly happy being who I am, with whoever I love, no matter their color or sex.

It has been hard, being raised basically in the church. I was brought up there, went to AWANA there and youth group, Sunday school and services almost every week... but then they find out who i am with and all of a sudden I can't teach children anymore. "If you can't abide by the Bible then you can't teach it." Who DOES abide by the bible every step of the way? Who doesn't sin every day? what religion follows every single word the Bible says? I didn't find it very fair but you know... from what I was taught in that same church, I have learned that God loves me unconditionally. And I believe that. Although most gay people do not go to church or believe in a God, I still do, because why not? It is not HIM who has judged me, or shunned me, it is the people in the church. And yes, my judgment day will come, but you know what I will tell him when I approach that stand?

"I am your creation, and I am proud." :)

I am happy to be who I am and thankful to have the people in my life that I do... especially my wonderful girlfriend <3

30 Day Challenge

30 Day Challenge... I got this from someone on Tumblr and decided that I should try one! Therefore for the next 30 days I will be posting one of these things a day. starting with one now :)

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.

Dear Parent.

Please read, absorb, and face the truth. If these statements pertain to you, just admit it already and lets move on. I'm tired of the denial. These statements are for both parents, and I had to finally get it out of my system.

PS. These statements were very hard for me to write down. They come from my heart.

It makes me angry that you blame everything on someone else.

It makes me angry you lie about everything.
And ALWAYS have.
Even the small stuff.

It makes me angry that you're starting over like this.

It makes me angry that when I was 15, I couldn't even hang out with friends unless you knew them AND their parents.
But my brother at 15 can ride the bus to Fairhaven and just hang out with his friends.

It makes me angry thinking of the above statement and not knowing who's fault this really is, since I was lied to my whole life.

It makes me angry that I couldn't do such a small thing as go to the mall and hang out with friends.
Even at 18.

It makes me angry I wasn't allowed to attend school dances til Junior year.
Despite the fact I never had a date to go with before.

It makes me angry that you say my 15 year old brother is more mature than I was at his age.
You wouldn't know.
You didn't even know me.

It makes me angry that you talk about me behind my back to other relatives.
How mature is that?

It makes me angry that you hurt me for years and never apologized for it.

It makes me angry you didn't say or do anything about it.

It makes me angry that you both talk crap about the other.

It makes me angry that you take responsibility for a child, but not at the same time.

It makes me angry you put yourself above others.
Including your children.

It makes me angry that you (or you) never noticed I was depressed, or wanted to end my life.
I had to come to you.
After 2 years.

It makes me angry that you never noticed I was struggling with anorexia.
For my whole 7th grade year.

It makes me angry you don't trust me.
And never have.

It makes me angry that I don't know who to be angry with because of the lying.
My whole life.

It makes me angry that I had to miss two GREAT weeks of summer camp because of my grades.
When I worked my ass off, and got C's.
But he does nothing, gets D's, and tells you, "I'll do better next year."

It makes me angry that you weren't happy with eachother, but we had to suffer.

It makes me angry that you're a hypocrite.

It makes me angry not being able to say, "Yeah, we have a great relationship!"

It makes me angry that you deny the truth.
Or anything for that matter.

It makes me angry that you take advantage of people.

It makes me angry to think that my family doesn't trust me or talk to me because of you.

It makes me angry that I've lost some good friends because of your control/needs-to-be-center-of-attention issues.

It makes me angry that you were never there for me.

This is not meant to be a hateful note whatsoever. I just needed to finally let it out and show you I'm not as blind as you thought I was. If any of this pertains to you, please take note and fix it. Don't go calling me, denying it, or blaming the other. I don't want to hear it anymore. Thanks.

Love, Me.

Comments people made in 1955... just 55 years ago...

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000 will only buy a used one!"

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help for the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies anymore ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in Gone With The Wind. It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."

"I read the other day that some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century... they even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a yearjust to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they were making more money than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day when all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagon car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Government."

"The drive in restaraunt is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 to stay the night in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it."

Party Etiquette

So lets go over how parties work. Normally, when someone throws a party, they provide the place, food and drinks, right? OR, they provide the place, and ask everyone else to chip in for food and drinks.

Well, I go to a party last night, and in the invite it says nothing about bringing your own anything. So we assume, that they will be providing everything since it is at their house. Well we get there around 9:00, have a few mixed drinks, and by midnight we're getting a little hungry. Now normally I'd leave and get some pizza or something, BUT I was drinking, and I'm not one to drink and drive no matter how much I've had. So I start to look around the kitchen, thinking they would have food for people. There was some bread laying out, some pop tarts, some chips, things like that. So, I have a few slices of bread and a poptart. Well someone yells at me saying "Why are you eating my poptarts, you still owe me chips from last time!?" which, I would like to add at this point, I did NOT eat all on my own. This is where I would like to ask, if you do NOT want people eating your food and drinking your drinks, WHY have them over, and WHY not tell them to bring their own stuff?!?! This makes me mad.

Another thing about this party... if there are cops sitting outside your house cause you live near Texas St (SETCHIEST part of town) do NOT bring out your WEED and carry it around with you! Are you STUPID!? and don't stand around and yell at everyone to shut up, when you're standing there yelling as well!

Anyway, as I was trying to sleep at 3 in the morning, cause like I said, I'm not gonna drive home, I'm laying on the living room floor. Some guy walks in and STEPS on my leg, and sits down on the couch. He looks behind him, knowing he stepped on me, and just turns back around. REALLY dude!? You know you stepped on me, and all you have to say is, "Oh". He doesnt even say sorry until Erica starts yelling at him and he says "I'm fucking sorry, okay!?" and walks away. Are you kidding me? This pisses me off sooo much. And do the party hosts say anything to this jerk? Nope. So we call erica's mom at 3 in the morning and she takes us home while I'm in the backseat crying cause that jerk really hurt my leg. UGH the whole night made me really mad, and I will NOT be going back to their house for a party.

This was my party rant for the day. More happened that I'm not completely clear about, and can't think of right now, but thats all I'm saying today. I just can't believe you let this stuff happen at your house when hosting a party. This would NEVER happen at my house. The End.

♥, me.

Pet Peeves. (aka Things That Annoy The Crap Outta Me)

1. Canadians.
2. Canadians shopping.
3. Canadians shopping with children.
4. Canadians shopping with children, but trying to pretend they're not so they leave them in a completely different department in the store.

Anyways...

5. "Jeggings"- wtf are these things, they're ridiculous!
6. Spoiled kids.
7. Liars that KEEP ON LYING. Even when they know they've been caught.
8. People who call you over and over and over and over and don't get the hint.
9. Children on Facebook/Myspace under the age of 14.
10. People posting their every move on Facebook... no one needs to know what you're doing every hour of the day... AND night!
11. Stubborn/Hardheaded people.
12. This whole no Canadian tax thing... really? They're coming to OUR country to shop, they can pay OUR taxes.
13. The fact that Billy Mayes died :(
14. Mathematics.
15. When people say the words "gay" or "retarded" in place of stupid.
16. People that talk down to me like I'm 5.
17. Parents who are completely oblivious to what their children are up to.
18. People who do ridiculous, pathetic things for attention.
19. Girls who can't seem to live their life without a guy in it.
20. The Kardashian sisters.

More to come....

Target Ain't People

Dear Aunt Becky,

I love you. I love you sooo much. You have always been there for me, you have always been supportive of me, you have always understood me. And you have no idea how much I appreciate it. You were the first person in the family that I told I was gay, and you were so funny about it!

"Any special guys in your life?"

"Well... not really..."

"Oh... Ohhhh... or girls.. whatever!"

:) You always make a joke out of an awkward situation and make it so much better. You make it easy for me to talk to you about anything. Although we didn't really get that close until a couple years ago, I still appreciate everything you've done for me.

I remember staying the night at your apartment yeeeaarsss ago when you were with Sean, I must have been like 4 years old... i just remember you in the bathroom spraying your hair til it didn't move anymore! Haha, ♥ it!

You have always been such a great role model for me... you're such a positive person no matter what you're going through, and like I said before, you can make a joke out of anything. Even when I visited you in the hospital a couple days ago you were barely breathing, but still joking around and laughing. I love that about you.

I know you're in a lot of pain right now, and a lot is going on, but I'm praying for you and I want the best for you. Try to hang in there a little bit longer :) I love you so incredibly much... thanks for being there for me.

"I want jeep jeep weather!" :)

Love,
Ashley.

Writer's Block

-__-

And then some I just like...

Some other poems I wrote that I just like :)

June 2006
Sleep

Sleep
where we go to get away from the
World
all the crap and the people and the
Government
screwing up lives, bombing other countries, burning away the
Money
that we don't have, we're so far in debt that we'll never get
Out.

Sleep
what we do when we're sick and we're
Tired
of all the work and the school and the non-stop busy
Lifestyles
we all take a part of while worshiping
Celebrities
with who's pregnant and who's getting married...
Again.

Sleep
where we can go to enter our
Dreams
of what we're going to be and how we're going to
Live
with a family, a house, and maybe a
Job
to try and support ourselves for now, maybe not for
Long.

Sleep
what we do when we feel the need to
Escape
from our society, our problems, our
Families
that say they love us and we all know nobody's
Perfect
in their actions, their words, their
Thoughts.

Sleep
where we enter deep into our
Minds
and ponder and wander our
Being
of why we're here and what we're doing in the
Reality
that the alarm brings, wakening me from my
Sleep.

August 2006
Passing Through
Building Blocks and child's play
hold on tight you're on your way.
From trick-or-treat and Barbie Dolls
to makeup, shoes, and shopping malls.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,
take me away as fast as you can.
Over the mountains and through the woods
I'd take you further if I could.
Run away and don't turn back,
roll like marbles in a sack.
We'd go out and have some fun-
you could put the shine back in my sun.
Hunpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
we all go blind and take a fall.
We stumble back and fall on our ass
and realize that time just moves too fast.

August 2006
Sing to me a Lullaby
Sing to me a lullaby
of galaxies and stars up high.
Of memories and love and laughter
in all my years and those thereafter.
Sing of faith and hope and love
and all the things from Heaven above.
Of angel's songs and prayers so deep
and blessings that I get to keep.
Sing to me a lullaby
where fairy dust can make you fly.
Where angels watch you night and day
and never let you go astray.
Sing of trust and and honesty
so all my doubts and fears may flee.
And as I grow and learn my way,
I hope this song with me will stay.
Sing to me a lullaby
so I can have sweet dreams tonight.

September 2006
Silence
No sound.
No movement.
If you focus long enough,
you can get it.
You don't hear all the minute whispers of the day.
Such as whispy, tall trees moving in the cool wind;
tiny droplets of rain falling on the roof;
the annoying buzz of a fly outside your window;
your neighbor's hallow, wooden wind chimes;
black sports cars racing down the street;
muffled voices and footsteps through the walls;
the tick-tocking of your clock across the room;
the rhythmic beating of your heart
that you can feel in your ears.
All of these things just vanish,
it's as if they don't exist,
and here is where you meet silence.
Stare it straight in the eye.
Take it in; absorb it.
Get as much of it as you can,
because once you realize what it is,
it's gone.

More old Poetry...

These ones are how I felt in highschool... UGH. Worst 4 years of my life so far, NOT an exaggeration. :)

August 2006
To Whom it May Concern
To whom it may concern,
... I know.
I know I'm not thin.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not gorgeous.
I don't own a lot of makeup and clothes.
I don't play sports.
I don't party.
I know I'm not popular.
I know I don't have good grades
or long blonde beautiful hair.
...I know.
I know what people say.
I know that they laugh,
and gossip,
and pretend.
I know that people hate-
even what thay don't understand.
Like me.
I have a heart too.
I hear.
I feel.
I hurt.
And it burns.
I have scars so deep,
a mask so real,
that no one can see the truth.
What they've done.
how much it cuts me.
To whom it may concern,
I know.
But do you?

September 2006
You Don't Know Me
Don't pretend like you know me.
You see me, hear me, think of me,
but you don't know me.
You see my hair;
hair that's not always clean or brushed;
hair that's not straightened flat to my head,
but is my original color.
You see my clothes;
clothes that aren't Abercrombie or American Eagle.
Clothes that were passed down
and are my own styles.
You hear my voice;
a voice that doesn't talk about
"f*cking getting sh*t drunk every f*cking weekend...dude."
a voice that doesn't "like, say like after like, every other like, word...like."
You hear a voice that doesn't talk much-
but when it does, it says what it means.
You think of my popularity;
the popularity that I don't have;
the friends I don't walk with in the hall,
dishing out the latest gossip;
the votes I don't get for Homecoming Queen.
You think about all of these things
and put them togetehr.
You make false accusations and judgments.
You think you can see all of this,
hear all of this,
and know me-
but you can't.
You've got to look a lot deeper than just the outside.
Just because I don't look like,
sound like,
or act like everyone else,
doesn't mean I'm not.
Just because I don't wear expensive clothes,
talk about ridiculous things,
gossip about my "friends,"
or get voted homecoming royalty,
doesn't mean I don't have a life.
It doesn't mean I don't have style or beauty on the inside.
It doesn't mean I'm not a person.
If you can't see who I really am
or know what I'm really like-
it's time to take a break.
Quit pretending you know me
and actually get to know me.

Some old Poetry :)

I found my poetry binder earlier this week when our friend Meredith was over and thought about how much I like some of them. So, I thought I would post some on here, for you to read. :)

These are from when I was going through somewhat of a depressing stage... as you might notice. haha.

November 2003
Emotions
All of the emotions deep inside of me
building up, filling up, growing silently.
Anger, sadness, depression and fear
walking, crawling, drawling near.
The tears are flowing down my face
then vanishing quickly without a trace.
I can't let them se my pain,
can't let them win again.
My hands are shaky, knees are weak,
I feel fragile, frail, and meek.
So i pick up and put on my mask
where no one knows; there's nothing to ask.
I wish that it could be easily said;
the thoughts, the problems, in my head.
I wish that I could sit and talk
with a friend or take a walk.
Just to be able to let it out
so they would know what it's all about.
But I know what they would say,
it's always the same in any which way,
so I let the emotions deep inside of me
build up, fill up, grow silently.

June 2006
Alone
I want to be alone- no longer amongst people;
to be away from the pain,
the disappointments,
the hurt.
I want to be alone- far away from here.
Just shut myself away from all that can hurt.
Hide away from those who made me cry.
If I could, I would run away to somewhere distant,
somewhere I can only dream of.
Somewhere that exists only in my mind.
Trust is a fairy tale parents tell their kids,
not something practiced in real lives.
Betrayal and hurt is reality,
something that happens everyday.
Even though I know it exists,
even though I already expect it,
it doesn't stop the tears from burning into my face.
It doesn't prevent my heart from shattering into a million pieces.
But it does make me question the next person;
to mistrust everyone.
I know it encourages me to feel bitter,
jaded,
angry;
to not feel the closeness of another person,
to hide my soul.
protect it.
For there is only a little left anyway.
A life like this-
secluded,
afraid;
I would rather death.
I would be alone anyway.

September 2006
I Would
I wish I could explain how I feel;
the words I want to say.
I want to cry deep, long rivers of tears.
Enough tears to flood the world
and wipe away everything.
It could all start over,
a new, clean slate.
I could be happy...
maybe.
I want to run forever;
run to the edges of the Earth-
perhaps drop off.
The problems would be far behind.
No more worrying,
no more hiding,
no more denying.
I could float in space,
carefree,
away from everything.
I want to sleep for days;
weeks, years maybe.
Slip into a deep coma.
I would dream a thousand dreams;
think a thousand thoughts.
Good thoughts.
Nothing like reality.
When I woke up, things would be different.
They would still love me,
still be here for me. they would miss me.
I want to just sit and talk.
Let them know how I feel.
Pour out all my feelings and be comforted;
be told, "Everything's going to be okay, trust me."
I would freeze time-
stay in that moment forever.
Stay in their presence,
in their arms,
in their love.
I would never want to leave.
I would want to die there,
being safely guarded from all else,
being held in the sweet arms of an Angel.
I want that special feeling.
Again...
still...
but I won't.
I've had my chances,
had my care and trust.
It's over.
I can't trust anymore.
That's whay it's hard...
to explain how I feel
and the words I want to say.

Swim Lessons :)

For those of you that don't know, I nanny part time. Owen just turned 5, and Katie is 7.

Both kids just began swim lessons. Katie already knows how to swim, she just needs to practice. Owen, on the other hand, does not know how but he is learning SO quickly! And it's so much fun to watch :) The first day we went I took him into the girls locker room to change, which apparantly his mom does not do, and I now realize why (I'd never been in the Aquatic Center locker rooms). People just strip down and there's private parts everywhere! Sooo after Owen's uneasy looks, I took him to the family locker room and had him change in there alone. Poor guy, haha. This is the result of swim lessons:

He can now float on his back...by himself...

He's making new friends...

and he's kicking... SO CLOSE to putting his face in, too.

He's a good sport! A little uneasy at first, but once he got in, he loved it :) Katie I don't have any pictures of swimming because her lessons are after I leave, but we did go ice skating the other day and she was rockin on the ice. After a few laps around she let go of the walker for a lap. Did great. :)

Lovin Life :)

Wish I could upload pictures, but I'm not home today on my own computer... There is SO much going on in life! I have lots of visiting happening soon.. cousins coming from California, "sister" coming from Port Orchard, and I'm headed down there... very excited to be on the road again! Last time I drove down south to visit for more than a day was last May and I miss it too much!! Hopefully I will be able to stop and see the Oman's too :)

Anywho, the apartment is all set up, I will post pictures soon. Christmas in my own place for the first time was fantastic, we had a blast. Everything is my own and I love it! Being a grown up is fun... for the most part :)