Christmas.

Christmas lights.
Christmas music.
Christmas gifts.
Christmas movies.
Christmas Eve.
Christmas.

None of it is the same without you, and I don't want any of it.

If the world really does end next year, and this is the last Christmas, I would rather spend it in your arms than anywhere else in this world.

I miss you so incredibly much it literally hurts me.

But, I am glad you are happy. I really am now. Because although you're not happy with me, I'm sure you're happier than you've ever been and that's all I want for you. It's just not what I want for me.

Reeses.

Sitting here sad in bed eating my Reeses alone is not the same as sitting here sad in bed eating my Reeses with you next to me. Cause I wasn't as sad when you were here.

Um.

I'm very sad.

I miss everything about you.

Every day I think about you. Driving, working, talking to someone else, while I'm in the shower, sleeping, watching tv. My mind is always filled with you, like it always has been. I am reminded of so many things every day that I miss about you. Things I didn't even think about before become things I long for again. I just miss you so much.

Wow.

"The only part of me that has changed is that you have opened my eyes to how cruel people can be, and how fast trust can be broken."

That's pretty fucking low.

I miss how you were when we were together. You've turned into the person you were before you were with me- bitter, rude and kind of a bitch. No, not by this comment, but just in general. You have changed so much. I don't miss the 18 year old you, or you NOW, I miss who you were a year ago.

I will not take the blame for changing you this much, and no, I don't thing you've changed for the better.

And lastly, I may have hurt you pretty badly, but it hurt me too, more than you fucking know, and I bet about the same amount as you were hurt. Because this hurt with me just keeps dragging on. Yours is apparently over now. I had my "fun" then, you're having yours now. Only yours is better. I'd say we're about even.

Thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit. Really helps me feel this "happiness" you keep saying I'll find.

Bye.

So glad to know...

that everything in our relationship was my fault. I mean, I know I fucked it up in the end, but did I really fuck it up that much when we were together? Did I really mess everything up so badly that you would never want to be with me again? Everyone makes mistakes... I know when we broke up my mistake was big, but no one has ANY idea how much I regret that. And if you know me well at all, you know I don't regret anything in life. But this I do. I regret the last 8 months of my life basically. I wish I could just rewind it all. Or that you'd give me another chance. I would be so much better this time around. I wouldn't need you to support me financially. I know how much that stressed you out and ultimately killed our relationship. I wouldn't be so lame as to stay in the house all the time, and smoke pot with my friends as often. I would change my entire life for you if you gave me the chance again. I just miss everything we had and despite the fact that you say we're not made for each other, I believe we are. I've never loved anyone as much as you. I've never been happier than with you. I just wish you would believe that.

But now you have someone new in your life. Someone better than me, apparently. I wish I could sincerely say I'm glad you're happy, but on the inside, I'm not, because I want to be the one to make you happy. I want to be the one to love you, kiss you, hold you, go out with you, go on random drives with you. I would do anything with you that you wanted. I would be so much better to you the second time around. Because with this time apart I've realized what a shitty girlfriend I was. I really do. And I know you know it too. I just wish I could do something so you'd know how sincere and honest I'm being.

You know I never wanted to get married before or have kids. I would do that for you. I would be HAPPY to do that for you. I was so scared to propose and that's part of what I was running away from. I felt so tied down. I didn't want that :/ And I still don't, but we could be different this time. I could be different. I promise.

I love you.

Life sucks.

Right about now. I'm just tired of everything and feel like crying all the time. and I don't even have my other half to make me feel better like she used to.

But she's happy now, and that's what matters. I'm the one that messed everything up 8 months ago. I messed up so it only makes sense that I BE messed up.

Whatever.

:(

Love and miss you Aunt Becky... today was "jeep jeep weather" so I went for a drive for you :)

http://obit.gilliesfuneralhome.com/obitdisplay.html?id=953571&listing=Current

He doesn't deserve her.

and I wish she would see that.

Deactivated my facebook.

I just keep getting reminded of stupid stuff on there. It's things that shouldn't bother me, but they do. Things that I shouldn't even care about, things that shouldn't matter to me. But you know what? I am always the one to start conversations with people. I am always the one to call people. Specifically a certain person. And it's like they don't care; that specific person or anyone else. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm too needy or too clingy or like I'm the only friggin person that cares. I want someone to care about ME for a change. Start a convo with ME, call ME. Let me know you friggin care. UGH. I'm just tired of not feeling good enough.