Sick.

I think of you... and my heart physically hurts. My stomach feels queasy. I think I'm going to be sick.

I keep replaying October 11 2008 in my head. The night that I realized I really loved you. The first time I kissed you. The first time you kissed me. Granted, the circumstances could have been better... but I'm okay with that. I had you and that's all that mattered. I remember how I felt that night. Holding you, kissing you, just being with you. I miss all of that. I know it's selfish, especially after what I did to you, but I don't want anyone else to experience that with you. You're MINE. Not hers. You will always be mine. You were my first for so many things and I know I was yours as well. Therefore you will always be mine. That's how I see it and you can't change my mind.

I'm hurting so much. It's not because I'm "alone" or I "need" you or because I'm jealous. I'm hurting because I KNOW I fucked up, I know I did everything I could possibly do, wrong. I'm hurting because I hurt you so much. I'm hurting because I love you and it is tearing me apart to not be with you. You have no idea how badly it hurts me.

I swear to you, I will do anything it takes to get you back. If I need to get rid of people in my life- DONE. If I need to change something about myself- DONE. If I need to go to counseling or something- DONE. If I need to make it up to you for the next 60 years- DONE. You were the first person I fell in love with. And I want you to be the last.

I miss you so much. Please come back :( You no say bye me.