Finally.

I think I'm finally there. I'm finally having feelings for someone else. Granted, they'll never have them back for me, but it's nice just having those feelings again and not for you. I can finally say I'm over you. Yes, it hurts to hear certain songs, or to hear people talk about you, or even to see your picture sometimes, BUT that's just because it reminds me of the memories. I miss the memories, but not us. I'm finally over us, and it feels... bittersweet? I'm not sure. I'm so glad you're happy. I too, am finally happy with myself and my life. It's great, I missed being happy. :)

I do still love you so much and I really do wish we could be friends. But I'm realizing now what you kept saying is true- we just need space for a while. I've just been so scared of this space because I'm afraid to lose you completely. I still want you in my life, so badly, but I do agree that we need space, and I believe it's working. I still consider you my friend as I hope you do with me as well, despite all the shit I put you through. You know how greatly sorry I am for that :(

Anyway. You=happy. Me=happy. Life=happy. All is well :) (?)

Volkswagon bus.

I know they're you're favorite. They're mine too. I miss Chuck a lot.

We got one in today at work, it's metal and looks all antique-ish. It's got surf boards on the roof of it, too. I bought it for you cause I wanted to get it for you months ago when we first got them in. During my entire shift I thought about giving it to you and when that would happen.

I returned it.

I need to face the truth, we'll never be anything again.

It's funny...

how much of a hypocrite someone can turn into. ha.

Sick.

I think of you... and my heart physically hurts. My stomach feels queasy. I think I'm going to be sick.

I keep replaying October 11 2008 in my head. The night that I realized I really loved you. The first time I kissed you. The first time you kissed me. Granted, the circumstances could have been better... but I'm okay with that. I had you and that's all that mattered. I remember how I felt that night. Holding you, kissing you, just being with you. I miss all of that. I know it's selfish, especially after what I did to you, but I don't want anyone else to experience that with you. You're MINE. Not hers. You will always be mine. You were my first for so many things and I know I was yours as well. Therefore you will always be mine. That's how I see it and you can't change my mind.

I'm hurting so much. It's not because I'm "alone" or I "need" you or because I'm jealous. I'm hurting because I KNOW I fucked up, I know I did everything I could possibly do, wrong. I'm hurting because I hurt you so much. I'm hurting because I love you and it is tearing me apart to not be with you. You have no idea how badly it hurts me.

I swear to you, I will do anything it takes to get you back. If I need to get rid of people in my life- DONE. If I need to change something about myself- DONE. If I need to go to counseling or something- DONE. If I need to make it up to you for the next 60 years- DONE. You were the first person I fell in love with. And I want you to be the last.

I miss you so much. Please come back :( You no say bye me.

Christmas.

Christmas lights.
Christmas music.
Christmas gifts.
Christmas movies.
Christmas Eve.
Christmas.

None of it is the same without you, and I don't want any of it.

If the world really does end next year, and this is the last Christmas, I would rather spend it in your arms than anywhere else in this world.

I miss you so incredibly much it literally hurts me.

But, I am glad you are happy. I really am now. Because although you're not happy with me, I'm sure you're happier than you've ever been and that's all I want for you. It's just not what I want for me.

Reeses.

Sitting here sad in bed eating my Reeses alone is not the same as sitting here sad in bed eating my Reeses with you next to me. Cause I wasn't as sad when you were here.

Um.

I'm very sad.